Back in April I started a three-part series grandly entitled How to Discipline a Toddler because I was a smug git. At the time I had a very well-behaved toddler that I was easily able to understand and control, a foolproof weapon called the Naughty Step that could solve any problem, and the patience of a saint. The world could only stand to benefit from the fruits of my experience.
Regular readers of this blog might have noticed that after starting this series, the frequency of my posts dropped off the face of the Earth, and I am yet to write number three. The reason for this, I can now reveal, is that almost immediately after starting to write about how great I am at disciplining my toddler, things became slightly more problematic – which is a nicer way of saying that my daughter Izzie morphed into a freaking demon child.
Despite my best attempts to stress that good behaviour is not dependant on an external force but an internal sense of right and wrong, Izzie has decided that if I don’t see her misbehave then it must be okay. I know this because she has told me as much – repeatedly.
It’s my own fault for not being clear in my language – for allowing her a legal loophole she can exploit.
‘The next time I see you snatch your sister’s toy off her, you’re on the naughty step.’
‘Okay, daddy, I make sure you not see me.’
Little bastard! If I’m cooking in the kitchen while she’s misbehaving in the lounge and I tell her off, she often closes the door and shouts, ‘You not see, it’s okay,’ and goes right back to doing it.
Sometimes she even tells me when she’s about to be naughty: ‘Daddy, don’t look, I going to push Rosie over.’
She understands the concept of differential authority too. ‘Take your sister’s dummy out of your mouth, you know your mum hates it.’
She takes it out and looks around. ‘Where is mummy?’ she asks.
‘She’s in the bath.’
So she puts the dummy back in and grins at me with an I-outsmarted-you look on her three-year-old face.
Of course, this is nothing next to the tantrums that occur Every. Single. Time. We. Say. No.
It’s a constant battle for supremacy.
‘I want to get dressed downstairs.’
‘I want ice cream for breakfast.’
‘No, you’re having cereal.’
‘Here’s your juice.’
‘I want it in that cup.’
‘Well it’s already in this cup.’
And this is all before 8 o’clock! If I could drink toddler tears, I’d never have to use the tap again.
Then there’s the insolence. Every night, for example, at some point during the night she opens all her drawers and throws every item of clothing out over the floor – and since my wife is a hoarder, that’s a lot of clothes. So every night before bedtime I say to her, ‘You will not make a mess tonight or I will be very cross with you in the morning.’
She grins at me and says, ‘I’ll make a little mess.’
‘No,’ I say. ‘No mess. All your clothes are to stay in your drawers.’
‘Okay, I’ll only empty one drawer.’
‘No. No drawers.’
And then I’ll catch her doing it in the night, and I’ll snap, ‘What did I say about not making a mess?’
And she’ll laugh and shout, ‘You say I can make a big, big mess.’
She’s also become really mean. It first happened when I was trying to get my youngest, Rosie, off to sleep. I was rocking her in my arms about 8.30, an hour after I’d put Izzie to bed, when Izzie appeared in her doorway and informed me that she had decided to have a bath and if I didn’t like it, I should simply look away.
‘Izzie,’ I replied. ‘Close the door and go back to bed.’
‘No, daddy,’ she said. ‘You listen to me. I having a bath.’
‘Actually, you’ll close that door and go back to bed by the count of three or I’ll cancel you seeing Granny tomorrow.’
‘Daddy,’ she said defiantly, ‘daddy, you not talk to me ever again and I not talk to you ever again, okay?’
‘Be that as it may, ONE, TWO…’
The door slammed, and I heard lots of sobbing and muttering interspersed with the words ‘daddy naughty’, over and over. Sucks to be me.
This has grown into a daily tirade of, ‘Daddy, I not like you anymore. Daddy, you very naughty. Daddy, I love mummy but not you. I not talk to you anymore. Daddy, if I have to choose you or mummy, I always choose mummy.’
Which, despite her being a toddler, is incredibly hurtful.
As are the lies she’s started telling about me. Whenever she says in front of people that she doesn’t like me, they invariably ask, ‘Oh, why not?’
‘He hits me on the head and pushes me down the stairs.’
‘What!?’ I cry. ‘I do no such thing!’
Which makes me look guilty as sin.
The truth is that she’s cross with me because I discipline her, and loves her mother because she doesn’t. Indeed, her mother is her best friend who plays with her and mucks around with her and is really just a big kid to her, while I’m the authority figure who exists simply to spoil their fun.
It has, without a doubt, grown far worse since my wife has started putting Izzie to bed. I spent three years putting Izzie to bed, every single night. I spent the past ten months putting both kids to bed, every single night. I hoped, I prayed, I begged for my wife to help me out, and after three years she finally relented about a month ago and put Izzie to bed.
And from that moment on, Izzie only wants mummy to put her to bed, and tantrums if daddy tries to do it. Which, after three years of my doing it, is a real kick in the crotch.
Of course, the reason she loves her mummy doing it is because her mummy doesn’t actually put her to bed. They go to the bedroom and play. Then my wife leaves and Izzie follows her and they get into mummy and daddy’s bed and play. And then mummy goes to sleep and Izzie continues to play. And then I come upstairs and shout at Izzie for not being in bed and shout at mummy for not putting Izzie to bed, and then I put Izzie to bed and she sobs herself to sleep because daddy’s so mean and mummy is her favourite. Again, sucks to be me.
I think what bugs me most about this is that, because she is now three, she’s going to start remembering things. And despite everything I’ve done for three years, her earliest memories are going to be of her mummy playing with her and lovingly putting her to bed every night while her daddy just tells her off all the time. And that’s not fair.
What it boils down to is that my wife has all the fun, playful, exciting quality time with Izzie, while I get to do all the practical things, like wiping her bottom, cutting her fingernails, kissing her ‘ouchies’ away, taking her to the doctor, ripping off her plasters, removing her splinters, and putting her on the Naughty Step. No wonder she doesn’t like me!
I’m not sure how I can change this, however. My wife encourages me to play with her more often, but my attempts to be a fun dad have only made things worse.
A typical example – we sit down to play with her Sylvanian Families and I pick up a hedgehog and put it in the toy car.
‘Brrmm, brrmm,’ I say, before she snatches it off me and shouts, ‘No, they having a picnic!’
I see she has arranged the chairs in a circle.
‘Okay,’ I say, picking up another toy. ‘Here comes Mrs Rabbit,’ and I put her in a chair.
‘No!’ Izzie cries. ‘She sitting over here.’
‘Okay,’ I say, picking up another. ‘Where does Mr Panda sit?’
‘Mr Panda not invited!’ she shouts, slapping it out of my hand. ‘You not doing it right!’
‘Well then!’ I shout back. ‘If you won’t let me do anything then I won’t blinking well play with you!’
And then she goes to her mum all stroppy and whines, ‘Daddy not playing with me.’
I tell you, she’s driving me crazy. As if to sum it all up, she has a new favourite song. I always flick between the rock channels on TV and I stumbled across an old hip-hop classic which she instantly fell in love with. In a moment I’ve come to regret, when she asked me what it was, I told her.
We have an Amazon Dot…or Echo, or whatever it’s called. Izzie used to say, ‘Lexa, play Tinkle, Tinkle,’ and it’d play Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star by The Rainbow Collection. Ahhh.
She’s not so pure any more.
‘Lexa, play House of Pain, Jump Around.’
And then she proceeds to jump around the lounge shouting, ‘House of Pain! House of Pain! House of Pain!’
And it truly is.
But that’s only half the reason I’m blogging so rarely. The other half turned eleven months the other day, and I’ll describe that demon child in another post – if I ever get the chance again!