Since we live our lives surrounded by other people, I follow one simple rule to avoid complications: be distantly polite. Say hello, ask how they are, keep the conversation to mundane topics like the weather and how your kids are doing, and then leave. Not complicated, is it?
Unfortunately, this seems to be a minority viewpoint. I’ve mentioned before how women with kids can be incredibly petty (Millennial mothers: Grow the hell up!), and nothing I’ve experienced in five months of the school gate has convinced me that I’m wrong. If anything, I think I underplayed how obnoxious people can be.
Just before Christmas we had a new girl start at school from a couple of towns over. She hadn’t been getting on at her school (or I’m inclined to think the mother hadn’t been), so she transferred to my daughter’s school. No probs, no foul. The mother’s a bit full on – you can’t get a word in edgeways – but hey ho, we only see her at the school gate, though her and my wife had liaised about setting up a playdate since our daughters hang around together at school. So far, so normal.
Then yesterday, my wife got a text from her. A very nasty text, accusing my wife of gossiping, spreading dirt, and trying to turn the other mothers against her, saying that she hadn’t gone to the effort of switching schools to be judged by such a spiteful person as my wife, and telling her to stay away from her and her family in future or things could get ugly. To which my wife’s response was: what the hell?
The mother then texted to say she’d seen screen captures of messages my wife had sent, and that she wants nothing to do with us, she’d hoped we could be friends but not anymore.
Now, I know my wife isn’t perfect – she’s irresponsible, stubborn and impulsive – but she’s also helpful and generous and desperate to be everyone’s friend, and calling her nasty and judgemental, and accusing her of spreading gossip, is a gross misrepresentation of her character. Only last week, my wife was telling me how excited she was at setting up a playdate and making a ‘new friend’ – this woman – so it infuriates me to have her so maligned.
Since she wasn’t receiving any coherent responses from this woman, my wife contacted a mutual friend from school, one of the other girl’s mothers, to say that she’d received this nasty text and had no idea why. And then we got the explanation.
My daughter told us one day that the new girl had wet herself at school, so she’d been extra nice to her. It’s no biggee – they’re four, most of them have had accidents at school. When my wife met up with her friend the other night, she happened to mention this in conversation, which I figure is a pretty normal thing for parents whose kids are in same class to discuss – like that one of the girls fell over and skinned both knees, or that the Polish kids all hang out together speaking Polish. I mean, when the only thing you’ve got in common is that your kids are friends, what else are you going to talk about other than your kids and their interactions with their friends?
Well, this ‘friend’ mentioned the girl wetting herself to the girl’s mother, who immediately demanded to know who told her. So the ‘friend’ pointed the finger at my wife, and then showed this woman a text message my wife had sent on the very first day they’d met her, saying, ‘Wow, she’s a bit full on,’ because the new mum had blurted out her entire life story to them at the school gate, warts and all.
Those are the two times my wife has ever mentioned that family to anyone else. A text message from almost three months ago saying, ‘Wow, she’s a bit full on,’ and mentioning in passing that our daughter had been extra nice to the new girl because she wet herself. From that, she’s been accused of running a campaign to turn all the other mothers against the new woman, of being cruel, vindictive, spiteful and judgemental. Even though the ‘friend’s’ daughter has wet herself, like, five times! Who cares? They’re kids.
The way I see it, if this woman is so sensitive about people knowing her four-year-old wet herself, she’s the one with the problem. She’s clearly paranoid about being judged by the other mums, and while I don’t know what happened at the other school, she’s come to this one looking out for any sign that she’s being mistreated and totally overreacted to the very first perceived slight. Which makes you wonder if anything really did happen at the other school, or if this is all in her head. I wonder how many other people she’s going to attack and call it self-defence? Or how long before she pulls her child out of this school because of perceived mistreatment?
I composed a very pleasant response to this woman saying that we didn’t judge her at all, we’re all just trying to navigate this very difficult time in our lives without messing up, and it was never our intention to make anybody feel ridiculed because that’s not who we are. And that’s the truth. But we’ve had no response.
Now, however, I do judge her – I think she’s a bit of a psycho. I’d like to say that I can understand her response and I’m trying to see things from her point of view, but really, all I can see is somebody lashing out and accusing people of things that simply never happened. For someone who doesn’t want to be gossiped about, attacking another mum (who is, I am proud to say, rather popular at the school gate) is hardly a good way to stop gossip; indeed, it’s probably the best way to start it. Because, after all, if you’re a paranoid person the only thing worse than being talked about is not being talked about.
I’ve told my wife to watch out for her ‘friend’ too. I mean, who shows someone else a text message about them? Who, when someone is cross because she thinks the other mums are talking about her, pours fuel on the fire? What was her role in all this nonsense? It’s the school gate, not the bloody playground!
And now I shall leave it there, because I’m still angry about how this has played out and I’m feeling the petty caveman building up in me once again. Attack me? Fine, I’ll take in on the chin. Attack my wife and kids? You’d better bring your A-Game, baby, because my dictionary doesn’t go up to B.
I await a rather awkward Monday morning at the school gate. She doesn’t want anything to do with my family? The bloody cheek. I want nothing to do with hers.
But if pressed, I will be distantly polite. If everyone behaved the same way, none of this aggravation would have happened.