‘Daddy, daddy, I can see willies!’
‘Outside, there are two men with willies!’
I leapt out of bed and ran to my daughters’ room, to find them sitting on the windowsill staring up the street.
‘Where?’ I said. ‘Show me!’
And they pointed at two men walking up the road.
‘Wellies,‘ I said. ‘They’re called wellies.‘
‘That’s what I said.’
‘It really isn’t.’
A few minutes later I was in the toilet, standing up, ready to do my business when I heard a noise behind me. Glancing over my shoulder, there were my two daughters standing about a foot behind me, peering between my legs with big grins on their faces like it was present time on Christmas morning.
‘What the hell are you doing?‘
‘We’re going to watch you wee.’
‘Why on earth would you do that?’
‘Because it’s fun,’ they said, giggling.
‘That’s just so creepy.’
‘Go on, wee. Be a good boy.’
‘For crying out loud, get out of here and leave me alone!’
Then at breakfast, I asked what they’d dreamed about.
‘I dreamed that I went for a walk through the woods to my Granny’s house,’ said my eldest. ‘I met a wolf and told him I was going to Granny’s and he went there and he gobbled Granny up into his belly.’
‘Don’t just tell me Little Red Riding Hood.’
‘No, this is what I dreamed.’
‘This is Little Red Riding Hood.’
‘But it ends different.’
‘So skip to the end.’
‘Okay. I had to get into the house, so the woodpecker -‘
‘The woodpecker-cutter chopped a hole in the roof and then he cut the wolf open and cut off his head and cut up his tummy and cut off his arms and then Granny came out and she was all covered in poo.’
It’s not even nine o’clock yet.