Why have you emptied the cupboard onto the kitchen floor? No, don’t walk away. Come back. Don’t hide in that cupboard. Are you listening to me? Izzie? Come out of there. Come out or you’re on the naughty step.
Right. Good. Why are you sticking out your bottom lip? That’s better. Now, come here, I want to talk to you.
Leave the water bottle alone. I said leave it alone.
It’s not broken.
‘This broken, daddy.‘
Don’t change the subject. Come here. The count of three. One, two…
Good. Stop sticking out your bottom lip. Now, why did you empty all the baking tins out of the cupboard when mummy told you not to?
You have to open your mouth when you speak.
No, you have to open your mouth. I know you’re capable of talking because you’ve been doing it all day. So tell me why you emptied the cupboard, and this time, open your mouth when you talk.
‘Muh huh bluh muh nuh juh bluh.’
That isn’t any better. Think about what you want to say and then say it. Why did you empty the cupboard when mummy told you not to?
‘Me sit in my chair.’
Fine, sit in your chair. Then tell me why there are baking tins all over the floor. No, look at me. Why are you sticking out your bottom lip again? That’s better. Now. Why did you disobey your mummy?
‘Mmf luff juh buh muh Daisy.’
Only one word of that was in English. What about Daisy?
‘My friend Daisy.’
I know she’s your friend. What’s that got to do with this?
‘Mmf luff juh buh tell me.’
Daisy told you to empty the cupboard?
When did she tell you to empty the cupboard?
You haven’t seen Daisy for a week. Are you lying to me?
Lying is naughty.
So Daisy didn’t tell you to empty it?
Then why did you empty it?
‘Mummy tell me.’
Your mummy told you to empty the cupboard?
The person who told you not to empty the cupboard told you to empty the cupboard?
Are you lying to me again?
So why did you empty the cupboard all over the floor? Suck in that bottom lip. Do you know why you emptied the cupboard?
‘No, me not know why.’
Well, at least you’re honest. When mummy tells you not to do something, don’t do it, okay?
‘Okay, daddy. Me go in my playroom now?’
No, let’s pick these all up off the floor and put them back in the cupboard, please.
‘Daddy do it.’
No, you made the mess so you can tidy it up.
‘Me want daddy do it.’
And me want holiday, but we don’t always get what we want.
‘Me not want holiday.’
Then you’re in luck. Now, please put all of these baking tins back in the cupboard.
‘Mummy do it.’
No, mummy’s not going to do it. Where’s this bottom lip thing come from?
‘Me need a toilet.’
Do you really need the toilet or are you trying to get out of clearing up?
‘Me need a wee-wee. Me not wear a nappy, me not wee-wee in my pants.’
Fine. Come on, let’s go sit on the potty.
‘You not look at my wee-wee.’
I won’t look at your wee-wee. Come on, take your trousers down, and your pants, there you go.
‘You not listen, daddy.’
I won’t listen. There. Are you doing anything?
‘No. Me not need a toilet.’
Goddamnit. Okay, stand up then. That’s it. Pull your pants up, and your trousers. There, all done.
‘Me play in my playroom now?’
No, you’re going to tidy up first.
Because I said so. No, don’t sigh at me.
‘Me not want to tidy things, daddy.’
Well, don’t be naughty.
Because it’s not nice.
‘Me not want to tidy.’
Look, how about this – if you put the baking tins away, I’ll come in your playroom with you.
Thank God. Okay, that’s one. No, leave the water bottle alone.
It’s not broken, it’s meant to be like that. Now, put the baking tins away before I scream.
No, daddy isn’t sad.
No, daddy isn’t going to cry.
‘Daddy cry. Do it. Do it now.’
Wait, you want daddy to cry?
‘Yes. On my birthday and mummy’s birthday.’
Why would you want me to cry on your birthday?
‘You always do.’
What? You’ve completely lost me now.
‘Me play in my playroom with daddy?’
Put them away, and then I’ll play with you. I said don’t sigh at me.
Because…oh for crying out loud, I’ll put one away and you put one away, how’s that? Okay?
Okay, good. Here, that’s one. Now it’s your turn. It’s your turn. Pick that one up. That one right there. Where I’m pointing. Where I’m pointing, look.
‘Me not see it.’
Okay, now you’re just mucking me about.
‘Me not see anything.’
Right, that’s it. Straight to bed with no supper. Come on, up to bed.
‘No, me not go to bed. Me not tired. Me busy.’
‘Me got to put things in the cupboard.’
I know. I know you do. I told you to do it. Ten minutes ago. Ten minutes. You’re driving me insane, child, insane. Do you understand?
‘Daddy want a cuddle?’