…unless you want your eyes scratched out, especially if you don’t have kids of your own (N.B. these have all been said to me in the last month or so).

1. She’s quite chunky, isn’t she?
2. I think she’s had enough milk.
3. Maybe you should change the formula she’s on.
4. Well I think the Health Visitor’s wrong.
5. I don’t trust NHS guidelines at all.
6. You know dummies are bad for them, don’t you?
7. Is that how you put her top on?
8. Let me show you how you’re meant to do it.
9. This is the way she prefers it.
10. You should cook all her meals from scratch.
11. You were up twice in the night? Well that’s not so bad.
12. If I had kids, I’d be fine with the nights.
13. Lack of sleep doesn’t bother me.
14. What’s his name? He is a boy, right? Oh. What’s her name?
15. I used to have a dog called that.
16. He was only playing.
17. He didn’t bite her that hard.
18. It was her own fault for getting too close to him.
19. It’s taught her an important lesson.
20. Let’s not make a fuss about it.
21. Everyone else’s children are potty-trained by now.
22. Don’t make it an issue.
23. She really ought to be potty-trained by now.
24. It must be nice to sit around at home all day.
25. Isn’t it about time you got back out to work?
26. Having kids is no excuse for an untidy house.
27. Why don’t I take them off your hands for a couple of hours so you can do some housework?
28. When I have kids, I’m going to set aside an hour every day to clean.
29. Looks like somebody has some ironing to do.
30. Nobody said it was going to be easy.
31. Well, you chose to be a parent.
32. And you’ll have to keep doing this for the rest of your life.
33. We’ve all been there, you don’t have to go on about it.
34. Parents these days have no idea how easy they have it.
35. When I had my kids I had nobody to help me.
36. All this modern ‘naughty step’ rubbish.
37. Smacking never did anyone any harm.
38. You’re making a rod for your own back.
39. You shouldn’t cuddle her so much.
40. Did you see that great programme on TV last night?
41. You really need to read this book.
42. You look more tired every time I see you.
43. I don’t remember you having all that grey in your beard.
44. Why have you put on so much weight?
45. It doesn’t get any easier.
46. If you think this is hard, wait until…
47. Don’t worry, they’ll be starting school in four years.
48. You should value this time of your life.
49. It goes by so quickly.
50. Remember to enjoy every moment!